Strangers Once Again

Let me remember. Before I finally let go, let me remember.

I remember waking up next to him one sunny day of June.

It was all surreal. I remember every second of it. When I opened my eyes, his arms are around me, hugging me very tight. I didn't move for a long time. I just stayed there, motionless, trying to figure out how I managed to live 20 years of my life without him.  I wanted to freeze that moment. Oh, God knows how much I wanted that moment to last for a lifetime..but yes, he is a fair God and he wouldn't allow that. 

I remember having cheap coffee with him in a 24-hour convenient store near a big mall, talking for hours, sharing our thoughts, dreams, fears, laughing, staring at each other as if there's no other person there. We had no money. We only had a few penny clanking in our pockets, but we were happy. We often did not care about everything when we're together. It was just him...and me, along with our dreams and aspirations. We would always talk about us being lawyers. For almost 2 years and a half that we were together, a great bulk of the time we spent with each other got devoted to dreaming about being lawyers. It's a really amazing feeling I always get whenever he would confidently describe to me his aspirations, the things that he wants to happen, how he plans to do them, and his feelings. I always find myself dumbstruck every time he lets me inside his mind. God knows how much I want him to be a lawyer. And he is a fair God, I know he will make him, us, lawyers.

I remember being in a very high place with him. The wind was strong that time and it was hard to breathe cuz we walked through our way up. But I remember that magnificent feeling. I was in a very high place..and I was with a man who I want to spend the rest of my life with. It was again, surreal.

I remember confiding my feelings to him. I lately discovered that I'm an illegitimate child and I didn't tell anyone about that. When we were talking one time, I told him about that....I wanted to tell it to him casually but being the cry baby that I am, yes, there were tears..and there were sobs. He held my hand, smiled and told me that's how life is. That's our difference. I see life as a fairytale. He sees life as unfair. He can strip reality down to its very core and he would act normal as if reality doesn't bite..as if there's pain but its not painful at all to him. I am probably one of the very few people that recognize how much he is hurting. He is a very sad man. He's been hurt so many times in his life and I recognize that. He acts strong in front of everybody but I know...I know he's not as strong as he reflects himself to be. I recognize that...because I love him.

I remember our fist day together as romantic partners. I texted him that I promise to take care of him from that day onwards. I'd like to think I was able to keep that promise..but alas, I failed him so many times. I remember the moment I realized I love him. I wouldn't eleborate on this. It's for my own reference. I would always refer and remember that moment every time I feel like our relationship is already failing. I would always remember that moment evey time he will hurt me..and yes, he hurt me so many times. So many fucking times. But that's what lovers do right? They hurt each other until such time comes that there's no pain and love left anymore.

We're back to being strangers now. We've become liabilities to each other's lives. There's nothing more to hold on to. No matter how hard we try, it's obvious how the 'sparks'  which we once had are now gone. Although the pain and anxiety of this heartbreak is beyond compare, we have so many memories left to celebrate.

You know how lovers try to remember everything when they want to fix things up between them? I am under the belief that same process should apply in ending a relationship. We shared so many great things, feeling and moments together. We have to celebrate all of that during this time of despair. Maybe, it will give some sense to all the shit we're going through.

I'm not the same girl who was shaking that night of September 23, 2012 while he was confessing his feelings. And he was not that same guy who bravely asked me to be his girlfriend that night. We are not the same persons who almost left everything just to be together.
We've become strangers to each other once again.

I'm thankful for that fraction of my life I got to spend with him. As they all say, everything changes. It's just a shame cuz I honestly thought we had that one thing which would prove them all wrong. It's a shame that what was once a never-ending rollercoaster of good feelings, love,nj hope, melancholy and pain is now just a finished chapter of our lives.

But in closing this book of love, i will bring with me learnings and valuable memories. God knows how thankful I am that I got to experience those things with him. I thank God for bringing him into my life and I thank God for letting me experience a love of a lifetime.

And to him, I'll forever be grateful too. I hope we both become lawyers. I love you. Goodbye. Posted via Blogaway