Break It To Me Gently: Saying Goodbye To Smoking

I had my first stick when I was in my first year in law school and it was offered by my first boyfriend. That moment, I acted like I perfectly know how to smoke. Hahahaha. Don't judge me, I wanted to impress my partner that time. Until now, I couldn't help but laugh every time I remember how I was shivering and how I almost died after my first few hits. I coughed to death.

It was not love at first hits, baby. After that, it took a few more months before I tried smoking again. Law School people likes smoking and cigarettes are readily available anywhere. If I remember it correctly, it was when I was in 3rd year that I started taking smoking seriously hahaha. That time, I was so stressed with everything that's going on with my life. I was so pressured at school, I was penniless because I was jobless that time, my ex-boyfriend and I were having so many problems, life was so dark. I lit a cigarette every time I felt stressed. I dunno but it felt sooo right. There were times when I will finish one box in an hour or two. I would lit up one cigarette after another.

Then, life got a little harder. I would often cry myself to sleep because of so many problems. At work, every break I had got devoted to smoking. I would smoke before going to work, I would smoke during break, I would smoke after work. I didn't realize how much dependent I was to cigarettes. I was becoming the person never want to become. 

You see, my mom is a chain smoker. I grew up seeing her smoke whenever she's stressed, whenever she's angry, whenever she's sad, whenever she's happy, basically all the time. I promised myself that I will never be like her. I promised to live a clean and healthy life. What happened to me?

Lately, I had some reflections.  I was self-destructing. Maybe, I was too coward to face my problems that's why I was escaping through these self-destructing tools that I have. But, is this really what I want to happen? Is this still me? Every time I smoke, am I getting happier? 

NO. The answer is a resounding NO. This is my life and I have the power and control over who I want to become and over what will make me happy. Smoking does not make me happy and it will never solve any of my problems.On the contrary, it is making me more desperate and lonely. It's turning me into the person I despised and I promised I will never be. It is killing me. That's why I have decided to quit smoking. I've been trying for two weeks now but to be honest, I smoked three sticks of cigarettes during that period. I'm still trying. I'm trying very hard. 

Okay, that's it for today. I'll try my best to quit smoking totally. :)

Photo Credit: http://imgkid.com/girl-smoking-drawing-tumblr.shtml